When you stop and take a look at your life and the things you have going on at the moment, is the feeling ever overwhelming? Thats how I felt last week when I wrote my last post. I wasn't sure why at the time until I really took a step back and looked at what I had on my plate.
I tend to focus on too many things at once for as long as I can remember it's been this way. It has translated to ever part of my life. Thinking back to when I was in high school, I was the kid who never had a small close group of friends, because I tried to be friends with everyone. Rarely did I spend two weekends in a row with the same group of friends. I think ultimately this ended up hurting me, because I never had that best friend which most people can rely on in any situation to be there at your side. In college I did the samething for the most part, I knew a lot of people and felt almost an obligation to try and spend time with all of them. I think this is part of what made it so easy for me to leave NJ after high school and start life all over again in Boston and then do the samething 5 years later when I was leaving Boston for Europe.
Things changed for me when I was in Europe, for 2 years I spent all of my time with the same small group of people, it was such a good feeling of finally having those people in your life you can rely on in any situation. That made it feel like home for me, not home as in the place where my parents live, but home as in the feeling which can't be described in words. The feeling that only comes when you are in a place, where if you never left it wouldn't matter. I think I have made it painfully clear by now that I never wanted to come back to live in the United States permenantly, but alas it happened and here I am.
Every day that passes makes this time here in California feel more and more permenant. When I bought my ticket to go to England back in December, I felt like I really had something to look forward to, and when things changed about a month ago and I knew I wasn't going back I lost something. Slowly the feeling of depression crept up my body and it hit me last week full on. I had lost my way, I wasn't building towards anything at all anymore. I get up 5 days a week and go to work, but what am I working towards? What do I want out of my life?
These were the questions I had to answer, and when I thought about where I want to end up, I realized that I had fallen off the yellow brick road.

to be continued...  ¶ 3:52 PM

  It's been a long time since I have felt the way I feel today. I feel like I am on the verge of depression. All the things I was looking forward to have dried up and disappeared. I can't see more than 24 hours into my future which is very unlike what the past couple of years have been like for me. I always had something to look forward to and there was always a plan.  ¶ 8:47 PM

 
It's been so long since I wrote a blog, I have a million things to talk about. I'll start with the most important thing on my list. In 11 days I was suppose to be boarding a plane headed for London, England, to spend 2 weeks with family and friends. Last week I reached the decision that financially it is not in my best interest to go on that trip right now. I had already paid for the ticket, but I was virtually going to have no spending money what so ever. I called the airline and postponed my flight, so they gave me a credit with the airline which I can use at a later date. I am hoping to be in a position to go later on this year.
Story number two involves the car I just bought. I wrote last time about how I bought a 2006 Corolla, well that has since changed. I was driving the car for two weeks, when I got a call from the dealership, asking me to bring the car in. When I got there, they informed me that because of the mileage on the car the company they were working with to get the car loan denied it. They took the car back and told me that if I got a new one they were 100 percent sure it would be approved. I kind of felt like I was being swindled, but I found a decent car in there inventory and it was a reasonable price so I now have a 2009 Toyota Corolla. It's going to cost me a little bit more than the 2006 would have so that is another reason I decided to stay here and get my situation under control first.
The third thing i want to talk about is completely off topic compared to the last two. When you are in a relationship with someone and everything is comfortable, you can say anything, or do anything around them and you know they won't judge you for it, its such a great feeling. Most people say the beginning of a new relationship is the best, because the getting to know each other stage is fun and excited. I disagree with most people, I think the getting to know each other stage sucks, because usually both people are pretending to be something else just to impress the other. A few months down the road when they really let there hair down and you get to know what the other person is really like, thats when things begin.
Lastly this past Saturday I went to a party with my new friend Aaron. It was a party at his cousins house for her boyfriend who just came back from Iraq. His entire family comes from Kansas and they all moved out to California at various points. I was amazed at how welcoming and friendly they all were. It reminded me of all the parties I went to in Europe, where people were just dying to talk to the new face in the room. I started thinking about how different people from all the regions in the United States are, and how much more meeting them made me dislike the Northeast states. As you know I spent most of my life in the Northeastern United States, and there it takes months or sometimes years for people to let you into there circles. Everyone is wearing blinders and only takes them off when they enter a room full of people they already know. Life is too short to waste it living like that in my opinion. No matter where you go in the world its the people you are with that make the experience either good or bad.  ¶ 12:44 AM