When you stop and take a look at your life and the things you have going on at the moment, is the feeling ever overwhelming? Thats how I felt last week when I wrote my last post. I wasn't sure why at the time until I really took a step back and looked at what I had on my plate.
I tend to focus on too many things at once for as long as I can remember it's been this way. It has translated to ever part of my life. Thinking back to when I was in high school, I was the kid who never had a small close group of friends, because I tried to be friends with everyone. Rarely did I spend two weekends in a row with the same group of friends. I think ultimately this ended up hurting me, because I never had that best friend which most people can rely on in any situation to be there at your side. In college I did the samething for the most part, I knew a lot of people and felt almost an obligation to try and spend time with all of them. I think this is part of what made it so easy for me to leave NJ after high school and start life all over again in Boston and then do the samething 5 years later when I was leaving Boston for Europe.
Things changed for me when I was in Europe, for 2 years I spent all of my time with the same small group of people, it was such a good feeling of finally having those people in your life you can rely on in any situation. That made it feel like home for me, not home as in the place where my parents live, but home as in the feeling which can't be described in words. The feeling that only comes when you are in a place, where if you never left it wouldn't matter. I think I have made it painfully clear by now that I never wanted to come back to live in the United States permenantly, but alas it happened and here I am.
Every day that passes makes this time here in California feel more and more permenant. When I bought my ticket to go to England back in December, I felt like I really had something to look forward to, and when things changed about a month ago and I knew I wasn't going back I lost something. Slowly the feeling of depression crept up my body and it hit me last week full on. I had lost my way, I wasn't building towards anything at all anymore. I get up 5 days a week and go to work, but what am I working towards? What do I want out of my life?
These were the questions I had to answer, and when I thought about where I want to end up, I realized that I had fallen off the yellow brick road.

to be continued...  ¶ 3:52 PM